Friday, March 18, 2005

Substitute 2: Flawed Masterpiece or Crappy Movie? Part I

(I am going to give away the entire movie here, if you don’t want to know what happens, then skip this post. But seriously, you’re not going to watch this movie anyway).

Late on a recent Saturday night, I was searching for something to watch for just a few minutes before I went to bed. I flipped around the various HBOs and saw a rather strange scene. They showed a woman driving franticly in a luxury car, followed by a number of hoodlums (is that the word they use now) in another car aggressively chasing her. The interesting thing about these criminals was that they were hiding their appearance by wearing hoodies backwards, cutting eye and mouth holes in the hood and covering their face with it. So anyway, back to the sequence of action. So quickly these “hoods” started brandishing their guns at the woman, threatening her unless she pulled over. Eventually, the woman complied, stopped the car and tried to flee the car. The gang members tried to stop her from escaping but were quickly distracted by a “do-gooder.” This man although middle-aged, looked like he was in outstanding shape and possibly would gain an upper hand in a fist-face. Unfortunately, these folks have guns. So despite his entreaties for these guys to do the right thing and subtle indications that he recognized them, they quickly shot him dead and shot the girl then “got the fuck out of there.”

Although I was frozen with interest, er, maybe frozen with laziness? I don’t know what it was. All I know was that it wasn’t until this scene was over that I went to see what movie this was. I clicked display on my remote control and there it was in all its glory: “The Substitute 2: Some Subtitle I Forgot.” Actually I’m not even sure if I hadn’t already clicked to see what movie this was before the scene started. Whatever, the point is that BD Wong was in it and he was the priest in Oz and is the wussy psychologist on one of the Law and Orders I think. Anyway, Wong was the clincher for me to say up until 3AM to see the conclusion of this movie.

Okay, so back to the movie. So anyway it appears that the guy who was shot back there was Treat William’s brother! Who is Treat Williams? Well he’s an actor, but in this case I am referring to his character who was some kind of mercenary. I would refer to his character name but you don’t care what that name was and I cannot remember it. Yes, I know there’s IMDB, but I would rather just write this thing in half an hour, okay? So Treat goes to the funeral of his brother. I think he might be playing a trumpet, or he just is hanging back because he wants to make a dramatic entrance. So we now get to see Mr. Dogooder’s lovely hot daughter. She obvious is upset about the loss of her father and some dude is comforting her about her loss (i.e. trying to get into her pants). There’s also some teacher there, I think the actress has like a boy’s name and was in Homicide right before it was cancelled. Michael Michelle? That sounds right… Anyway, she’ll be called Slutteacher for the rest of my plot description. I’ll give more information on why I call her this later on in the program.

So Treat comes down to the grave site and introduces himself to his niece by making some vague “when I last saw you, you were down to the knee.” She responds with some pissy little “where were you, you don’t know me, blah, blah.” Do people usually get this pissed off at an absentee uncle? Isn’t bitterness only supposed to be directed to your parents? It seems like too much of an effort to hold a grudge against an uncle who never assaulted you or anything.

Anyway, Treat tries to get some general gist about who killed his brother from Slutteacher. Slutteacher doesn’t really seem to help that much except to say that Mr. Dogooder taught like a bunch of hoodlums in some jail-like classroom. The idiot thought he could change them! Can you believe that? Anyway, Treat quickly moves on to trying to patch things up with his niece, explaining that he is a mercenary and is too busy selling out his loyalties to foreign governments to pay the rent and that he loves his brother and his niece. Blah, blah.

So right away, Treat tries to get in the pants of Slutteacher. Wait, hold on a second, was she actually like a principle or something? Probably, but the name sticks. Anyway, he uses his mercenary skills to figure out where she lives, brings over some wine or something, they get all romantic, he says he wants to be a substitute for his brother’s old class, she says it takes awhile, he says he wants to do it all undercover like and she’s like why, and he’s like I want to find out who killed him and she’s like I’ll be happy to conspire to forge documents with you.

Then Treat goes up and meets with an old mercenary buddy. They exchange pleasantries and the mercenary buddy agrees to help him in his quest for revenge! The die is cast! What will happen next? Wait for Part II….

Part II

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