Sunday, March 27, 2005

The JohnnyBlog's Get Rich Quick Scheme Part 1

All right, so you want to strike it rich? It's not going to be easy or simple to make it happen. Otherwise, everyone else would have beaten you to it. Nevertheless, if you got some skills, moxie and a little bit of elbow grease you can make it big time and have twenty-inch rims on your Chrysler 300.

All that I ask is that if you do make it rich with one of my schemes, you send a little bit of good will (in cash form) my way. All right? Deal? Okay, let me throw a few ideas out there and see if one fits you as snuggly as your high school blue-jeans. In Part I in this series, there is one common thread: the book deal. Yes, it may seem simple that a nice juicy book deal can pay rent at your luxury condo in Phoenix, but the key is getting someone interested in your story and willing to pay the ghost writer to write your book. You could of course, try to write the book yourself, but the hard work and education you need isn't worth it. There's enough unemployed english majors out there willing to work for a Slim Jim, so don't sweat that part. The key is getting a published company interested in working with you. Many people don't plan their book-deal strategy in advance, but you can put yourself into situations that will automatically generate multiple publishing offers. Here are some successful strategies to try.

1. Sleep with a Psycho

If you are a woman, try to get involved with as many unstable men as possible. Keep a knife or gun with you to be safe, but if you can survive one or two booty calls from a psycho, you can spin that short experience into four-hundred pages of gold once the bodies show up. (Warning: appearences on CNN, FoxNews and the Today Show may be necessary to secure a long run on the New York Times Bestseller List.)

2. Crime Does Pay

Become a drug dealer, a prostitute, a mule, a shady stock-broker, a corrupt politician or anything else criminal enough for people to be interested in it but tame enough that the authorities won't bother arresting you for the crime when your book comes out.

3. Litterally and Figuratively Screw the Celebrity

Have sex with a troubled famous person only once, then claim that this person admitted to everything that the public only slightly suspected of him. Write a book and it's "straight-cash, homey!" (Note: sex may not be necessary, but DNA evidence locks in the profits.)

4. Jumpstart the Downward Spiral

Become widely successful doing something and then fuck it all away on sex, drugs and gambling. The book deal will be there with minimal effort. The only problem is that you have to be successful first to make this possible, and that takes too much hard work and too much luck. This is just a shoutout to all those athletes, CEOs, politicians and newsreporters, who regularly read this blog, in case they want to try something new.

5. Become the Insider

It is easy to start this strategy, but tough to complete it. First thing you need to do is get a low-level job at a large and famous company, agency or something else people might not like. The best kind of job would be doing something in the mail room or within the accounting department. Then, you blow your whistle and throw out true allegations or false ones if you can't find the former. It is easiest to pull off making bullshit claims if the company/organization/agency is hated by hippies, conspiracy freaks or mental patients. Anything you say will be believed by these fine folks without any proof. Our lax libel laws in this country will keep you from losing that big million-dollar advance that's financing your new yacht.

"Shhh... P Diddy Has a Message For All You Shorties Out There."

Cavier wishes and champaign dreams can all be yours if you follow my advice. However, let me end with some words of caution from my man, P. Diddy:

"Mo money, mo problems."

Money might pay off those student loans and that ostrich ranch mortgage, but it won't buy you happiness. Thankfully you will have piles of money with which to wipe your tears of loneliness.

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